Myrnin And Making It Known Oliver Is A Paedophile
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Myrnin is bored so decides to sully Oliver's reputation further. Crackfic. NOT SLASH. T for a reason.


_**I own nothing**_

_Dedicated to..well..this shall take a while:_

_to Maddie because of her spamming & also because of her being the person to spot this _

_to Albo because she's so epical like that & her PM made me lol_

_to Louise (Weezy) because she's just kewl._

_to Jac, to Yellow, to Livvi, to Ro, to Rae, to Andrea...and to every other person in RoseScorpius Fans who I rant to all the time about MV and life and everything. LOVE you guys!_

**_And also to LunaMoon2012 (Dannie) because she's awesomesauce & also Barty is in here._**

* * *

Myrnin is, as usual, bored.

Of course.

After all, when has there been a day when Myrnin _isn't_ bored? The world thinks that this day came…well…never. Because thus far, he's been bored every damned single day of his life – _especially_ in Morganville.

The entire existence of Morganville made him bored, simply because there was nobody for him to go prank when he was bored. And then, well, he got the disease so there wasn't any _point_ in him going and pranking anybody because he would either eat them before they even got pranked.

Or he'd forget.

And that's not the fun of pranking, is it?

Anyway, back to the point of the story.

Myrnin is bored.

As usual.

So he decides to go and do his favourite hobby, the thing that he had had to put on hold for about a century and a half (seriously, Oliver was _so selfish_ trying to kill Amelie because it meant that _he_ couldn't torture him) until Oliver returned from exile.

He decides to torture Oliver.

Oh, _not like that_, just the idea of _touching_ Oliver has Myrnin have to wash his hands – and he _never_ washes his hands – so he debates what he can do to torture him.

But he's spent the last few months doing one hundred and fifty years worth of catching up on pranks, so he's sort of running out of jokes to pull on Oliver.

So he gets his checklist out and begins to see which things he has done:

Painting Common Grounds – **check** (rainbows and unicorns everywhere, _very_ Oliver-esque)

Tricking Oliver into thinking Amelie still loves him **- check** (actually done about 100 times, yet it still worked until Amelie married Sam)

Giving Oliver's girlfriend, Vitzy, the least appropriate birthday present ever if she loves Oliver **– check** (Claire is still banned from Common Grounds about that)

Teaching Oliver how to be a porn star **– not done **because that would be disgusting…and mean he has to go near Oliver

Check and see if Oliver is on any social networking sites and adjust his age – **not done**

Switch out all Oliver's old hippie clothes for a pink ballgown of Amelie's – **check** (hilarious results).

.

All the rest of the checklist pretty much include things he is _yet_ to do to Oliver simply because Amelie won't give him permission to either nuke Oliver's house, burn it down, run it over with a tram he builds himself _or_ give him enough money to purchase a lot of elves to scare Oliver.

So, he decides the only plausible one to do is to see if Oliver is on any social networking sites.

Now, Myrnin isn't very good with computers, so he decides that, for today, Claire can get involved. He wouldn't let her be involved in the last prank as a punishment for not telling him about the wedding of Samelie (even _he_ has to call them this now as it's so damned perfect for them) but she's had enough of a punishment now, so he orders her over.

Claire thinks he wants to kiss her again, so she's a bit sullen as she hasn't decided whether she wants him or Shane yet (once again, one _long_ story) but soon perks up when Myrnin shows her the computer and explains what he wants.

Within three minutes, Claire has a list of sites Oliver is on, including Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, MySpace and Bebo because he's trying to attract all the loons on there from about 10 years ago.

"Now, he can be 10 here," Myrnin directs, changing the picture of Oliver trying to look sultry and hot to one of a rainbow on Facebook. "And 12 here…" he changes Oliver's age and photograph on the different sites to include a wide age range up to around the 20 mark…

…and instantly conversations from people in Morganville come flooding in.

Claire begins to struggle to keep up with all the answering as to what age she is, so Myrnin knocks her out with some gas that'll make her realise she loves him whilst he takes over, screwing up with the 10 and 19 year old a few times but not enough for the people to get suspicious.

And within three hours, he has managed to get a list of 100 different people going to Common Grounds that night, all from different age ranges…and all looking to meet Oliver, surname unknown due to some accident, as they think he's this super-cool boy/teenager, who has everything girls want.

Think about that last clause however you want, because Myrnin takes it to be the most disgusting thing he can think of.

"Myrnin?" Claire wakes up and kisses him but this is a different story because this crackfic has no pairings and is simply because Myrnin was bored and decided to start harassing Oliver. As usual.

"We're going to Common Grounds now to watch the mayhem unfold," Myrnin informs Claire as they walk through the portal. Then they walk _back_ through the portal because Myrnin forgot the webfeed that sends this straight to the internet – as this _has_ to go on Youtube.

"YAY!" Claire shrieks, slightly high because of the gas, as they walk through the portal and into the ominously empty café. Instantly, Oliver stops crying – whether it's because Amelie is preggers with Sam's baby somehow or simply because nobody wants to come into his café because _he's_ there – and turns to look at them with a defiant expression on his face.

"If you're here to tell me that Amelie is…if she wants something, then I'm going to tell you where to stick your offer!" he yells across at them, making rather grotesque actions to give them an impression what he means.

"A lady is present, Oliver," Myrnin reprimands Oliver as Claire begins to balk, but it's actually because of the slightly poisonous gas he gave her to make her love him. "We do _not_ use such vulgar gestures, unless you wish for-" he trails off, beginning to talk in _Russian_ of all languages so Claire can't understand.

"Why are you here, Myrnin?" Oliver sighs as he sits back down on his chair.

"Do you have any kids toys?" Myrnin asks in what appeared to be a random manner, looking innocent.

"Yes – there, so that they don't annoy me when they are in the Café," Oliver points to the corner of which Myrnin instantly pulls them out of in preparation for the girls coming in.

"And make up?" Claire asks innocently, moving to the corner where Oliver points to in order to find the rather cheap make up.

The final request from Myrnin has Oliver blushing and muttering something about the ladies' bathroom, which Claire takes charge of because Myrnin going in there could get him arrested.

.

Five minutes later and Common Grounds continues to be absolutely dead. All the bait is lined out on the front tables and Oliver keeps muttering for them to leave but they don't.

Because then, the children begin to arrive.

All of them have came in traditional American 'play-date' style, complete with parents in tow and presents for their date – cookies, Claire thinks, and Myrnin wants to go eat the cookies…because he's been banned from killing people.

They instantly pounce on the toys, whilst the twelve year olds come in and just sit there discussing how _hot_ Oliver's picture is (he's apparently James Lafferty, which is pretty disturbing) and then begin to fight over him…with words, because you start getting catty at twelve.

The fifteen year olds arrive ten minutes later than what Myrnin had arranged, playing with the makeup set out already and they all look the same. And then the nineteen year olds all move over to the other side of the room, because a) their thing is over there and b) they don't want to be paedophiles around little kids when they're about to meet _the_ Olly Murs themselves (he's taken time out from the Xtra Factor to come meet them).

But the minutes tick by and the café gets fuller and fuller, each new person making Claire and Myrnin laugh so much harder that everyone stares them down the way everyone stares at someone who starts talking _really loudly_ in the cinema until they shut up.

Finally, a little girl called Lucy has the bright idea to go ask _Oliver_ where Oliver is because she wants to see his unicorn he promised to bring. And even though she thinks Oliver is scary – and _old_ – she wants to meet little Oliver, so maybe he will know where he is.

And then a twelve year old follows…and a fifteen year old…and a nineteen year old, all heading up to Oliver who looks scared that there could be an army of women attacking him.

"Excuse me, old man," little Lucy says with a smile. "I'm looking for Oliver?"

Oliver sighs and bends down to the little girl, not realising that his fly is open. "I'm Oliver, little girl, and I'm getting very annoyed with you so go away."

She doesn't move, however, simply sighs. "_You_ can't be Oliver."

"Yes I am; I ensured that there is _no_ other Oliver in this town so I can be unique," he puffs his chest out but only makes himself look more stupid because a button pings off…

The other three girls look in horror – particularly the nineteen year old – as they process that _this_ is Oliver. "PAEDO!" the eldest one says, throwing her cup of coffee she just happens to find at him and stalking away.

The fifteen year old just storms off, whilst the twelve year old screams.

Little Lucy's eyes go downwards when Myrnin puts mind control on her, resulting in her seeing something called _Barty_ that she really wishes she has never seen. And never wants to see again.

"MUMMY!" she screeches. "THE MAN GOT HIS THING OUT AND SHOWED ME IT!"

Naturally, Claire and Myrnin are in fits at this point to the level where they cannot even breathe, let alone talk…so Claire collapses due to lack of oxygen.

One mother calls in the police, who brings Amelie because it's a punishment for Oliver.

"What have you been doing here, Oliver, attempting to run a prostitute ring?" Amelie sighs, twirling her wedding ring. "Oh…no, you haven't have you? You have attempted to gain yourself a girlfriend from each of the age categories here. I believe the word is paedophile."

And then she kicks him.

Just because she feels like being a bit of a rebel.

"Claire collapsed because of the sight of him!" Myrnin takes advantage of Claire's state to point to Amelie how mind-boggling the sight of Oliver was. "He should be killed!"

"That is too far, Myrnin, yet I shall prevent him from spamming anyone for a week," Amelie is gracious, knowing the spamming means she has to put up with less requests for an exotic bar in Morganville. "And anyway, I thought Claire was banned?"

"Details, details," Myrnin waves it off. "Now, everybody who is mentally scarred, go take some of Oliver's food! He doesn't need it!" he screams this bit as Oliver is frogmarched out the door to the police station for one hundred charges of paedophilia.

And, today he's no longer bored.

.

The next day rolls around.

Myrnin is bored.

And Oliver is in jail.

"NOOO!" Myrnin screams. "My life is _ruined_!"

* * *

_Whatcha think?_

_Review please._

_Oh and most of those stories mentioned _are_ real – Elf Army! & Myrnin and Being Bored are two I can think of._

_Vicky xx_


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